Update: Alexis Stewart’s struggle to have a baby
Update: Entire article added.
Originally posted August 2nd: In the newest issue of People, Alexis Stewart, 41, daughter of author, editor and homemaking advocate, Martha Stewart, 65, shares her struggle to have a baby. In her own words, Alexis begins her story.
Click below to read..
I wanted a baby when I was 37. But when my mothergot into trouble, I couldn’t think about it. About two years ago, afterall that was over, I got back on track. I’m single now, but having myown kid is the most important thing in my life, so I am tryingeverything I can: fancy doctors, expensive drugs, high-tech procedures.Most people can’t afford what I am doing, I am really lucky; I know that. I also know it would have been infinitely easier if I’d tried to get pregnant when I was married. But my ex and I were completely ambivalent about kids. We weren’t ready. Now, I no longer have the luxury of having doubts. A child is your legacy. What better thing can you do in life than put a really good person in the world who’s going to make it a better place? And my mom’s just desperate. She has wanted grandchildren forever. Forever! She’s always like, ‘For my , I would like you to be pregnant.’ And I’m like, ‘Me too!’ My gynecologist always said, ‘Oh, I had my first kid at 40,’ so I never panicked. I actually thought it would just take a couple of months to get pregnant and then I’d be done. But I’ve learned a few things people should know. Take all these movie stars we see on magazine covers who are having babies in their 40s. If you say to a fertility doctor, ‘So-and-so just had twins at 45, he’ll tell you bluntly, ‘It’s not her egg.’ But no one says that in these articles. They don’t even say, ‘It’s an exception’ or ‘It’s very rare to have a baby in your mid-40s.’ Instead, everyone acts like it’s normal. And that creates unrealistic expectations. You know whose picture you don’t see? The movie star in her 40s who didn’t have the baby. I don’t think a lot of women know how much their chances of having a child diminish as they age. Woman also don’t know that once you turn 40, a lot of fertility clinics won’t even talk to you. They’re like ‘Hmm, we can’t help you, you’re too old.’ The first place I went to cost $10,000 a month and came highly recommended. But, like a lot of fertility clinics, they’re very worried about keeping their success rates high. When I didn’t respond to the drugs after three months, they basically said, ‘Don’t bother,’ and kept asking, ‘Why don’t you use a donor egg?’ Finally, I said, ‘You’re fired.’ Since December, I’ve been going to the New York Fertility Institute in Manhattan. The drugs cost $6,000, the doctors and in vitro fertilization procedures about $20,000 to $27,000 — a month. They give me, like, eight times as many drugs than the other place did to stimulate egg production, then check me every two to four days. I take two shots a day. Most of my friends freak out about the shots, and leave the room in tears. But if you don’t look, it doesn’t hurt. Twice, I’ve given myself shots on the street. I’m much more interested in taking my medication than in what anyone might think about me.
Once a month, I inject myself with a drug that causesme to ovulate in 36 hours. Just before the 36 hours are up, I go to thedoctor’s office and they put me under anesthesia and use an 18-inchneedle to remove about 10 eggs. Then, I go home to my apartment inTribeca, change and get ready for my Sirius Radio Show, Whatever, thatI co-host at 5 p.m.
The doctor, meanwhile, fertilizes the eggs right away, using a technique called ICSI [intra cytoplasmic sperm injection], which involves poking a hole in each egg and shoving a sperm in to create an embryo.
I’m using an anonymous donor, but not from a ‘genius’ bank. Those are creepy.
After the doctor conducts an embryo biopsy for Down syndrome and the myriad of other things you might find around the three-month pregnancy mark, he says, "Eight out of 10 are not healthy" or whatever.
Then, he tries to [transfer] the healthy embryos. I’ve had two transfers; they haven’t stuck.
Last month after my egg retrieval, the clinic left a phone message saying I should call. They were going to tell me how many embryos were healthy. I never did. I could wait a week for my next appointment to find out.
When it may be just another emotional blow, I sometimes don’t need to know right away; knowing won’t change it. If there are not healthies, I try to let it go immediately, because you can go crazy. Crazy.
But I’m not even close to stopping. I’m trying to build up a supplyof healthy embryos because ideally, I’d love to have two kids.
I tell people who are 40, or ever 35, if you have the money, freeze your eggs, or better yet, embryos. If you don’t have a husband, get an anonymous donor. That way, if you never find Mr. Perfect, you have options.
As for me, itdoesn’t hurt my body to keep trying. And if it doesn’t work? I’ll worryabout that if and when the time comes.
Source: People Magazine, August 13th issue, pg. 79-80
- Posted on Aug 3, 07 at 4:20PM
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- 93 Comments
August 2nd, 2007 at 11:33 pm
Aww she is so nice and honest. I hope her dream of becoming a mother comes true, both for her and for Martha.
August 2nd, 2007 at 11:58 pm
I just read the full spread and I really admire her frankness and honesty. It’s important that women be aware of these issues. I have a lot of respect for her and wish her success with fulfilling her wishes. I’ll bet we’ll hear some baby news soon
Kudos to you Alexis!
August 3rd, 2007 at 12:17 am
I really admire her for coming out and sharing such a personal story. A lot of women are facing the same thing.
The only thing I take offense to is her use of the words “my own child,” because adopted kids aren’t any different than biological ones, but it’s something everyone says.
August 3rd, 2007 at 1:23 am
Kudos to her for being completely honest about conception after 40! I’m by no means saying it’s impossible, but it’s definitely more difficult the older you get. This is why it disappoints me when women in Hollywood who conceive in their 40s and after act like it was the most natural and easy thing on earth. For some it is, but for the majority there’s actual work and science involved and women like Alexis are misled into thinking delaying having children will cause no problem because they see other women doing it in large numbers and it seems as simple as 1,2,3 for everyone. For those of us in the normal financial stratosphere spending between $30,000 and $40,000 dollars a month on fertility treatments just isn’t feasible and leads to alot of heartbroken women. I only complain because I’ve been repeatedly told by a specific set to delay having children until much later so I can “enjoy my life”. I know I want children and I’m aware that I DON’T have all the time in the world….yes I love my job, and yes I love my life as it is, but having kids and a family is more important to me than traipsing around freely for another 15 or so more years. Thank goodness women like her and Marcia Cross are willing to be open and honest about the reality.
In any case, best of luck to Alexis! I sincerely hope her efforts are rewarded and she’s blessed with a beautiful baby. Imagine the luck of that child being able to tell everyone “my grandma’s Martha Stewart!”.
August 3rd, 2007 at 2:03 am
I admire her frankness!Having suffered through infertility and adopted, I wish people would know earlier on that adoption is amazing and wonderful and they really are ‘your own’. I hope she finds peace.
August 3rd, 2007 at 2:20 am
It’s great to hear how open she is. I think so many women think like she did since there are so many celebs having babies in their mid to late 40’s. Not only is it not a simple process but even if you have money it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.
August 3rd, 2007 at 5:57 am
Being an adopted child and knowing how many babies are unwanted if I were her I would at least be considering that option at this point. Her comments make me a little sad that she would go to this extreme without even considering that option. Especially because she isn’t married, adoption would seem like such a real choice to me. Who knows?????
August 3rd, 2007 at 6:17 am
I wish her success and I admire her for coming out and talking about it. As someone who’s struggling with infertility, I like reading about it when someone else is going through it. I hope Martha is a grandmother soon!
August 3rd, 2007 at 7:39 am
Did she mention anything about her feelings on adoption in the article? I think it is great she is able to try to have a biological child, but just wondered if she mentioned her personal thoughts on adoption?
August 3rd, 2007 at 7:55 am
Right on, Lola. Our experiences sounds nearly identical. You are so right: adoption is an option and a wonderful one at that!
And, a shout out to Alexis for her candor and truthfulness. THAT is what it is like, people. It isn’t all puppies, poems and roses (as Nancy Grace would lead one to believe).
Yes, ART is expensive, emotionally racking and frustrating when it doesn’t work. Hopefully, Alexis knows she has options should she find herself unable to get pregnant.
Good luck, Alexis!
August 3rd, 2007 at 8:00 am
“The only thing I take offense to is her use of the words “my own child,” because adopted kids aren’t any different than biological ones, but it’s something everyone says.”
That may have been what she meant, but I took that comment to mean she wanted her own child as opposed to just playing with a friend’s kids or a niece or nephew (not that she has any).
August 3rd, 2007 at 8:04 am
After hearing about her story i wonder how many celebrites over 40 have had fertility procedures done but don’t say anything(which is their right). There are so many having kids over 40 it just makes you wonder. In a recent article Sarah Jessica Parker was asked if she will have more kids…she declined to answer. She is 42 so i wonder if she is not having anymore or maybe she is going through fertility and just doesn’t want to say anything until it is successful.
August 3rd, 2007 at 8:42 am
Although I admire Alexis for being so honest about her situation, it made me sad reading how much money she spent so far on having a biological child when she could have given an adopted child a good home with financial stability. I am not saying that I blame her for wanting a biological child, but I agree with Bella that it surprises me that adoption just doesn’t even seem like an option for her. Personally I would see this as a sign of fate that maybe my child is already in this world waiting for me to find him/her.
August 3rd, 2007 at 9:12 am
I have been wondering the same thing as most every one here. I admire her bluntness and her honesty, but really, if she wants a child SO badly, why not adopt one and STILL try to conceive?
I would give ANYTHING to have her money so I could adopt a child. We have one but can’t have anymore due to infertility problems that occured after the birth of our first and only.
Gee, it makes me sad that she hasn’t even considered adoption. Really sad…
August 3rd, 2007 at 9:49 am
ITA Bella. While I completely support her quest to have a baby, and wish women had the same easy options as men after the age of 40, I am always sort of taken aback when I hear how much effort, time and money people put into fertility treatments when there’s a non-medically invasive option staring them in the face.
Being somebody who has her own bio child, I understand the desire for that, and I feel lucky to have one. However, if I were in Alexis’s situation (being single, over 40, etc), I really feel as though I would be going the adoption route after a reasonable period of trying without success. For $27K per month, she could adopt a new kid every month! (obviously joking, but most adoptions cost around 30K)
BUT, she obviously has her mind made up and I really wish the best for her in her quest to get pregnant. I’ll be crossing my fingers for her.
August 3rd, 2007 at 10:23 am
Not everybody who wants a child wants to adopt!! Some people don’t think they can love a child who was not born to them.
There is nothing wrong with that and Alexis does not deserve criticism for wanting her own biological baby.
August 3rd, 2007 at 10:25 am
This post uses incorrect terminology, as do many other media articles. The doctor doesn’t ‘implant’ the embryos. He or she ‘transfers’ them back into the woman’s uterus. It is up to the embryos to implant themselves in order for a pregnancy outcome to occur at the end of the IVF cycle.
Sarah’s note: I’ll correct Tara’s post. Thank you.
August 3rd, 2007 at 10:28 am
I’m adopted, and while I agree with all of you completely that an adoption might be a wonderful option for her, it may be that she longs for the experience of pregnancy, breastfeeding, etc. (Sure, you can try to attempt induction of lactation, but it very rarely succeeds, and even if it does, it’s only a nominal amount of breastmilk.) Pregnancy is a very special gift to yourself, and I can’t say I would blame her for wanting to have it. It sounds like she’s keeping her options open at the end of the article. If it was just a biological child issue, I’m sure she would have resorted to surrogacy by now instead of going through the very invasive, painful process of trying to conceive with multiple medical interventions. Cut her some slack!
August 3rd, 2007 at 10:40 am
Seriously, relax on the adoption thing. Maybe some people want their own children. My husband and I said we would never adopt a child if we couldn’t have our own. We know there are children who need loving homes, but we wanted to have children that were an extension of us. It’s a personal choice. Kudos to Alexis for being open and honest about her fertility struggles.
August 3rd, 2007 at 10:43 am
My friend is going through the same thing alexis is.She is 40 and single herself. The reason she is choosing not to adopt is because she wants to experience going through the stages of pregancy.Maybe its the same thing with alexis.So I don’t think people should jump on her for not adopting if that is what she wants at all
Maybe in the future if she feels that things aren’t going to work anymore than adoption would be her next option.
August 3rd, 2007 at 10:45 am
Alexis should ask Michelle Duggar for help. She just had (yesterday) her 17th kid & is already thinking about #18.
August 3rd, 2007 at 11:09 am
Natasha,
Your words are hurtful. I am adoptive parent and I consider my child “my own”.
Think about your words, please
August 3rd, 2007 at 12:02 pm
I admire Alexis’ honesty. I struggled for 2 long years to have a baby and just when I came to terms emotionally that I may never carry a biological child and was looking into adoption, I became pregnant naturally. Please don’t criticize her for only speaking about wanting to carry a biological child. Adoption is a great thing yes, but not everyone is emotionally ready for that when struggling with infertility. It could be on her mind, but just didn’t want to talk about publicly yet.
August 3rd, 2007 at 12:17 pm
I wish people wouldn’t be so sensitive about the adoption issue. I mean, I can understand that it is in fact a sensitive issue, but why is it so hard to accept that some people aren’t interested in adoption for one reason or another? I’m not sure if I would consider adoption because I know some people who have had negative experiences with it. One couple in particular adopted a boy and girl (biological siblings), and the kids had some serious issues growing up (I think behavioral and medical) that was hard for them to deal with. personally, I don’t know how I would deal with adoption psychologically. The possibility of not knowing my kids’ family background, medical history, not being able to tell them about where they came from, etc. I think it would be hard for me, honestly. Aside from that, I am really looking forward to experiencing pregnancy and birth, and I hope I’m able to do that someday.
August 3rd, 2007 at 12:24 pm
ITA, Ani. What a terrible choice of words.
August 3rd, 2007 at 12:38 pm
Finally! Someone is ACTUALLY HONEST (ahem- Nancy Grace,etc…) about conceiving after 40!!! Celebs make it seem like it’s so easy, and women put it off til it’s too late (or expensive). Kudos to Alexis. I hope she gets her BFP really fast!!!
August 3rd, 2007 at 12:42 pm
As bad as this is…she may not want to adopt.Adoption isn’t easy.Some people prefer giving birth to their own children.It depends on the person
August 3rd, 2007 at 1:27 pm
“My husband and I said we would never adopt a child if we couldn’t have our own. We know there are children who need loving homes, but we wanted to have children that were an extension of us.”
What a selfish view to take. You know that there are children who need loving homes, and yet you don’t care? There are no words.
August 3rd, 2007 at 3:24 pm
Kudos to her for being so open and honest about her journey to parenthood, and that its not as easy as the HANDFUL of those out there who have achived success post 40 make it out to be. No one in life has the same path, and each person’s way is a very personal choice. The decision to pursue ART is an emotional one, as is the decision to pursue adoption. And, just because she doesn’t mention it, doesn’t mean she hasn’t thought about it, or taken it off the table. She probably really wants to be pregnant - I know that was one of the reasons we decided to pursue IVF first.
Also, I too took her words “own child” to not involve the method in which she becomes a mother, but that she wants a child in her life that isn’t a niece/nephew, etc.
I would give her a break.
August 3rd, 2007 at 3:44 pm
I dont see anywhere in there where she says a word about adoption. She is telling her story about her fertility problems. She isnt saying anything about being agains adoption of a child. Give it a rest!
August 3rd, 2007 at 4:24 pm
I don’t like how a dad’s/mom’s role is not viewed as important when people go into parenthood knowing they will be single parents. I know, God forbid something could happen to one 1/2 of a couple and their kids would only have just a mom or a dad, divorce happens, there are same-sex couples, I know all this. I simply believe it’s important for a child to have both a male and female influence who is a parent (regardless of older siblings, close grandparents, etc). Going into parenthood with the intention that it’s just you, I’m not a big fan. Just my opinion.
August 3rd, 2007 at 4:35 pm
I fully agree with everyone who was has that adopted children are not different than biological - they are not any less “your own.” That being said, I don’t think any woman should be criticized for desperately wanting a biological child, despite being financially able to easily adopt. Pregnancy and childbirth are experiences that are huge and life-defining for lots of women - and I think it is possible that Alexis wants very much to experience those things. I don’t see anything wrong with her trying to achieve that goal.
August 3rd, 2007 at 4:39 pm
["My husband and I said we would never adopt a child if we couldn't have our own. We know there are children who need loving homes, but we wanted to have children that were an extension of us."]
What a selfish view to take. You know that there are children who need loving homes, and yet you don’t care? There are no words. “
Did Natasha ever say that she doesn’t care there are children who need loving homes? No. She simply said she would prefer to have biological children. There is too much sensitivity about word choice- saying “our own” children, I believe is just in place of saying biological children - it is not to suggest adopted children are any less a part of a family. I am able to have my own children (well, I have one…God willing we will have more) and I am also fully aware there are children who need good homes - am I selfish for chosing to conceive & give birth to biological children rather than adopt? I’m sorry, but pregnancy & childbirth are two experiences women should be able to experience if they so choose- and should not be called “selfish” for chosing to do so above other options.
August 3rd, 2007 at 4:48 pm
Bravo, Ani! Well said!
Readers: please re-think using the term “own child”. Like Ani, myself and other moms have said, our children from adoption are very much our own. To imply otherwise is wrong.
Ash: not *every* adoption lacks information on familial, biological or medical issues. And, the situation you give as an example is hardly the norm either.
August 3rd, 2007 at 5:50 pm
I find that very brave of her of being so open.
August 3rd, 2007 at 5:57 pm
Maybe she could do both…you know a lot of women get pregnant right after adopting because they aren’t stressed out about trying to conceive all the time.
August 3rd, 2007 at 6:19 pm
I praise Alexis for her honesty about how hard it is to conceive after 40. However, I take issue with the next to last sentence of the article. She says, “As for me, it doesn’t hurt my body to keep trying.” Does she have any idea what effect the hormones she injects twice a day could have on her body???? The late editor of Harpers Bazaar, Liz Tiberis, attributes her ovarian cancer (which killed her) to fertility drugs. Is it really worth risking that, as well as the other side effects, to have a biological baby?
August 3rd, 2007 at 6:31 pm
Agree, Principesa! I was just going to note that most adoption agencies are pretty thorough about getting the birth parents medical histories, etc.
Annie–I agree that when most people “our own” they are using that term to refer to biological children. The point is that it is an incredibly insensitive and hurtful choice of words.
August 3rd, 2007 at 6:58 pm
Principesa: Ash’s comments were warranted. To paint the picture that every adoption is rosy and without complication is as bad as women over 40 in Hollywood encouraging others to think conception is easy. My two cousins were adopted from Chile and, as they grew up, they had many displacement issues. Sure, my aunt and uncle had all the medical info but that wasn’t the issue. It didn’t stop two kids from growing up feeling completely out of sorts and isolated in their school and community. From this came bad behaviour that got wilder and more anti-social until my cousin was tragically killed in a high speed chase at just 21. I’ll never forget how my cousin had a tiny picture of her biological mother above her bed, and as a teenager how she would sob for what she considered to be her true family, and the place she thought would feel like home. Now, I’m not saying this is the case with every adoption, but how do you know what “the norm” is? Is there such a thing as “the norm” with adoption? I don’t think so.
August 3rd, 2007 at 7:20 pm
I would simply like to ask, what else should Natasha have said to indicate her husband and herself would prefer not to adopt? I understand the adoption thing, my sister is going through it at the moment, but how are people supposed to say “I’d rather have biological children” etc if everyone takes offense to ANY terminology used?
Once you adopt, no I don’t believe there is a difference between adopted children and biological children and adopted children should not be made to feel different, but the process is different. Not everyone wants to go through being screened and made to feel insufficient or that someone in their family might ruin their chances of adopting.
August 3rd, 2007 at 8:01 pm
I don’t believe that Alexis is doing these fertility treatments because she wants to experience pregnancy rather than because she wants a child with her genes. Why would she then quote the doctor saying, “it’s not her eggs” about the celebrity? If she simply wanted to experience pregnancy it wouldn’t matter to her that the actress used a donor egg. Also, the way she uses the phrase, “a child is your legacy”, especially in reference to it being the grandparent’s legacy as well, makes me think she means genes-wise, not simply life-wise.
No judgment, just clarifying something.
August 3rd, 2007 at 8:04 pm
To add to Princispa’s comment there can easily be unforeseen behavioral and medical problems for a biological child, just as much as for an adoption. I don’t think that worry should keep anyone from considering adoption.
August 3rd, 2007 at 8:21 pm
“We know there are children who need loving homes, but we wanted to have children that were an extension of us. “
This selfish viewpoint reflects a parent who believes that having a child is all about them rather than about the new life that has been entrusted to them to care for.
Being a parent is for a lifetime and is about so much more than the few months of being pregnant.
August 3rd, 2007 at 8:37 pm
Principesa-
It doesn’t matter if it’s the norm or not. The fact of the matter is that not everyone is comfortable with adoption. It isn’t fair to call those people selfish. It’s a natural biological urge for women to want to experience pregnancy and childbirth, and it’s also natural when two people are in love to want to create a child together (well, for most people anyway). There’s nothing wrong with that!
So just because some woman out there got pregnant and gave her child up, that should diminish my right to give birth to my own biological child? That automatically means that I shouldn’t be allowed to give birth and that my husband and I should feel obligated to adopt? Give me a break! I feel awful for all those children out there who need homes, but not everyone is willing to go through the process of adoption (it’s also a heck of a lot more expensive than giving birth). And like it or not, there are a whole other set of issues that come along with adoption. I have a degree in psychology, and I know that there are whole subfields dedicated to how adoption impacts people’s lives, etc. I’ve been told by others that adopting a child is a very draining experience both financially and emotionally so it’s not as simple or as easy as some people on here are making it sound. Don’t criticize the people out there who are taking fertility drugs, etc. to have a biological child. They aren’t evil for not wanting to adopt!
August 3rd, 2007 at 8:41 pm
My husband and I said we would never adopt a child if we couldn’t have our own. We know there are children who need loving homes, but we wanted to have children that were an extension of us.”
“What a selfish view to take. You know that there are children who need loving homes, and yet you don’t care? There are no words.”
I’m sorry, but really???? She said in no way that she did not care about children who need to be adopted. Is it her fault that so many people are uneducated or unfit parents that require there to be so many kids that need to be adopted? I don’t think she did. Maybe instead of everyone getting so sensitive about people who do/don’t want to adopt, put more effort into educating people about making proper choices so we curb the rise in kids needing a home. She and her husband want their own BIOLOGICAL children. More power to them. There is nothing wrong with that. They might choose to adopt a puppy but not an adult dog. Is that going to be a problem with everyone to? I myself was adopted by my moms new husband when I was 2 yrs old. I never knew my biological father but my adopted dad (who I simply know as dad) also had a child with my mom when I was 3 yrs old. Technically, my sister is “his own” child meaning his own biological child and I am not. Those are just the facts. Not everyone views the phrase “my own” or “our own” the same and it is just ridiculous to point out hurt feelings or offense when someone understands it a different way than you do.
August 3rd, 2007 at 9:01 pm
I stupidly waited until I was 41 (since I then had IVF insurance coverate) to try IVF and after 2 unsuccessful IVF cycles my husband and I decided to adopt (from China). We’re currently waiting to be matched with our daughter and are really excited “parents-to-be”.
In the past I hadn’t been so sure that I could easily love a child who wasn’t genetically mine but now I don’t feel that way at all and I look forward to parenting our adopted daughter.
August 3rd, 2007 at 9:14 pm
Geesh, this adoption thing is getting outta hand. I think Natasha’s comment is being taken way out of context. She never said that she didn’t care about children that needed to be adopted. She simply stated that she and her husband decided not to adopt, even if they were unable to conceive naturally. That is her personal choice and she shouldn’t be slammed for it.
I have nothing but absolute respect for families that adopt, but I personally don’t know if I would consider adoption. Maybe if I was unable to conceive, but even then, I’m not sure if I would do it. Does that make me a bad person?
August 3rd, 2007 at 10:31 pm
Don’t assume that everyone having children over 40 has had some sort of fertility treatment. I have a number of friends that have had children over 40 without any problems (one was even unplanned!).
Of course I do agree that one should not bank on having an easy time of it after 40.
August 3rd, 2007 at 10:38 pm
My gynaecologist recently told me the same thing that Alexis Stewart’s doctor told her - that the vast majority of Hollywood stars who miraculously fall pregnant and have babies in their 40s (esp. mid to late 40s) use donor eggs. It’s the biggest secret in Hollywood, and it’s making women all over the world believe that it’s easy to conceive naturally in your 40s, when for most women, it isn’t.
I wish more celebrities shared the same honesty and openness.
August 3rd, 2007 at 10:40 pm
Wow!
Each person has a right to how and when, or even if, they have children. Adoption is a fantastic avenue that is open to most people, if you can afford it. While fertility treatments are expensive and stressful, adoption is just as much an emotional roller coaster and financial drain. After going through infertility workups and drugs, some women may not have it in them to put themselves through the heartache of being denied a child or having to wait for up to 10 years for an infant. My cousins went through this and it was painful to watch. They finally did adopt from China, after years of infertility treatment (not to mention a 2nd mortgage on their home), and their daughter is beautiful. Both of them are over 40 and the emotional ups and downs took their toll.
Everyone who has a child, biological or adopted, is blessed to have them. Those of us that are blessed shouldn’t be so quick to judge those that are not, nor should we judge the decisions of others.
August 3rd, 2007 at 11:00 pm
I refrained from posting in this thread at first because I felt my view might be an unpopular one. So I’m relived to see others with my POV. Because honestly my first thought was “I wonder why she hasn’t considered adopting?” I understand the desire to have a biological child and yes adoption isn’t for everyone. But I can’t help but think that in the what, two, three frustrating years she’s spent trying to get pregnant she could’ve adopted and be happily raising a child. All that money emotion and time could’ve been invested in her son or daughter. Oh well. She really seems to want a bio-child so I hope that does happen for her at some point.
August 3rd, 2007 at 11:17 pm
It is not particularly easy for single women & men to adopt. It has become even more difficult now that many countries have implemented new restrictions on prospective parents for international adoption, particularly on age, marital status, and health history, both physical and mental. Several countries will not consider couples in which either partner has ever been treated for depression or taken anti-depressants (which would rule out many of the SAHM’s in my neighbourhood playgroup, BTW).
Domestic adoption has never favored the older, single parent home, either.
We are quick to assume that Alexis has not considered adoption, when there is the possibility that she may not be a likely candidate to receive a child through adoption and has chosen a different route.
We don’t truly know her situation or her reasons.
August 3rd, 2007 at 11:47 pm
I really don’t think it’s fair for people to say instead of alexis spending money on treatment she should adopt. Maybe it’s her dream like it’s many woman’s dream to be pregnant and have a bio child. And since she has the money too, why shouldn’t she try everyway possible to make her dream come true. And who knows maybe if she can’t have a bio child, she will adopt one day, which is great, if not it’s also her own personal decision. There are plenty of people I know that are 40 and over that had no problems getting pregnant, but than there are some that do have problems. Hopefully for Alexis her dream can come true, and she will be pregnant soon.
August 3rd, 2007 at 11:48 pm
i admire her honesty. i am disgusted by how her interview has been picked to pieces.
August 4th, 2007 at 12:14 am
Corinne makes a really good point. Alexis may have many good reasons for choosing to try IVF over adoption right now. She may really want to experience pregnancy, and especially to go through that with her mother. She may also want to experience parenting a newborn.
Yes, tons of older kids & kids from different races are waiting for homes, and more people need to step forward for them, but there are also far more people looking to adopt healthy newborns than there are babies needing homes.
Easy newborn infant adoption is as much a myth as easy over 40 pregnancies–yes, easy for Sheryl Crow & Sharon Stone, they got picked for a newborn, but most single women don’t stand much of a chance of being picked to adopt a newborn.
Most couples spend a year or two or longer waiting, and single people wait far longer. Domestic infant adoption is hardly an altruistic alternative.
Even international adoption has complex ethical issues involved–baby dealers, coercion, bribery, orphanages. But that’s not the point.
The point is that fertile people don’t need to sit there and a make a list of pro/con for IVF and all the various forms of adoption and relate it to where they are right then emotionally, financially, and spiritually. So it’s really easy to say “just adopt” when it’s not YOU.
Alexis is so incredibly brave for coming forward on this important issue, and she deserves to be supported for that, not jumped on because she’s not rushing to adopt. Maybe she will later. Maybe she won’t. She’s the only one who can know what her priorities are right now.
Perhaps if people were more supportive of her fertility issues, other famous women would be more open about their struggles. But, it’s no wonder that many choose not to come forward, when the “just adopt” police are waiting to jump on them.
Adoption IS a great thing and beautiful families result from it, but people have to find their own road there and not be bullied into it.
August 4th, 2007 at 12:24 am
Ash - I never labeled anyone selfish nor evil. Please re-read my posts to verify.
My son wasn’t “given up”.
He was placed with us, lovingly and with great thought, care and love by his birthmother.
The adoption process for us was encouraging and gratifying. It gave me hope that someday I would become a parent. As a result, not only do I have a wonderful child to love but his marvelous birth family as well. (Too bad one doesn’t hear more stories like ours!!)
I endured an immense amount of heartache trying to become pregnant: multiple miscarriages, failed IVF cycles using DE and an ectopic pregnancy that nearly took my life.
Given that, I am in the unique position to have experienced both situations being discussed.
And, you are right. Not everyone can or should adopt. It does take a very special person to step up and place the desire to parent a child above everything else.
Adoption MAY be second choice for some but it is NOT second best.
August 4th, 2007 at 3:33 am
I”m sorry but that adoption comment was just rude.It seems like maybe she thinks of herself a being too good to lower herself to adopt. She maybe one of those people who will never have a baby no matter how many treatments happen.I think adoption should always be an option.
August 4th, 2007 at 5:29 am
It’s unfortunate that an article where a woman reveals a most personal part of her life to the world in order to help and comfort many turns into the ‘my own’/ biological vs. ‘our own’/ adopted child and a debate of whether she should consider adoption or not.
The article wasn’t only about her desire to bring a child into her life. It was about the consequences she has suffered because she delayed trying to get pregnant. Of course it’s natural that she would want to try for her own ‘offspring’. (I hope no one objects to my use of offspring to imply biological children, as it is the correct term to imply children sharing DNA with their parents.)She is only 42. I know it must be difficult for many not to bring their own issues into the forum but I find it out of context to be passing judgement on Alexis with regard to adoption.
Again, kudos to you Alexis! I am fortunate to have 2 wonderful offspring. I wish you all the success in achieving your goal of having your own offspring!
August 4th, 2007 at 7:09 am
That was a really good interview! Very honest and open about the difficulties of getting pregnant in one’s 40s. It is too bad so many celebrity parents aren’t upfront about just how difficult it is to get pregnant and whether they used “laboratory means” to get pregnant. For example, Nancy Grace.
As for the biological vs. adoption vs. surrogacy route, I think Alexis has done her research and done a lot of thinking about what she wanted to do. If she does not want to adopt or do the surrogacy it is her choice and her decision should be respected.
August 4th, 2007 at 8:07 am
Life has no guarantees. Adoptive children can have problems, biological children can have problems. It does not matter how you become a parent but, the kind of parent you become. I hope Alexis achieves her goal to become a mother in whatever way she can.
August 4th, 2007 at 8:50 am
What’s wrong with eggs with Down syndrome?
My oldest son has Down syndrome, and he has had several serious health issues, but I wouldn’t trade a day with him for anything in the world. He is the light of my, and my family’s, lives.
And I knew before he was born that he had Down syndrome, by way of amnio.
Really, people, what’s wrong with Down syndrome?
August 4th, 2007 at 11:35 am
Anne, the reason why they do an amnio to test for Down’s syndrome, is because many parents aren’t equipped to deal with a special needs child. The fact that you can do this shows that you are a unique person, but unfortunately many many couples do not want to take on a child with severe mental deficiencies or health problems. Surely as somebody who has struggled with a special needs child, you can understand if other people don’t feel they can dedicate the amount of time and energy you do?
I think a lot of people worry about a special needs child being cared for after they are gone. I know this would definitely be a major factor in any decision I had to make regarding amnio results. Try not to take things personally, I’m sure you love your child the same way other people do and nobody is saying there’s something wrong with a Down’s child. The disorder just presents a lot of challenges many people feel they cannot meet. If you know you can’t care for this type of child properly, you’re better off not attempting to IMO.
August 4th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
In response to the people who claim Alexis (and others who have fertility problems) are selfish for not considering adoption:
I’m really confused about the double standards that are being applied to those who have fertility problems vs. those who don’t.
Why is it that those who can get pregnant easily aren’t judged for choosing to have a child instead of adopting? That person could go out and adopt a child who has no home, and yet instead they chose to have a biological child and no one calls those people selfish or says they “should” adopt. And yet people with fertility problems are not treated with the same consideration - they are instead insulted, and told how they “should” form a family, and told they are obligated to help orphans. What’s with the double standards?
EVERY PERSON, whether they have fertility problems or not should be given the same consideration, and held to the same standards. Infertile people should not be held to some high moral standard that those who aren’t infertile aren’t held to.
A person has a right to decide for themselves how they are going to form a family, and no one else has a right to try to tell them what they “should” do.
August 4th, 2007 at 2:29 pm
Simply put - it’s her money, it’s her body and it’s her choice. I’m sure if she’s spent the money for IVF she’s well aware of all of the choices out there one has to become a parent. This is the path she chose, and we should respect her for that. I’m disappointed that her honesty has opened her up to critical comments about the choice that she made.
Adoption IS a wonderful thing, but it’s not for everyone, just as IVF isn’t for everyone. That’s why there are many options out there, so that each person may choose what suits them and their situation best.
While it’s a lot more difficult to get pregnant after 40, it is possible, although obviously a lot less probable. Fertility is not a one-size fits all deal, nor is the path to parenthood. Respect her path, even if it may not be the one you’d have chosen for yourself.
August 4th, 2007 at 2:55 pm
I am 34 and pregnant, but I really wish I had started earlier. My husband and I have been together for more than 10 years, so my only excuse is that we were moving a lot and never felt like were settled enough in our jobs or life. But there is no “perfect” time.
I consider myself pretty liberal and easy going, but I would highly recommend to any woman who is in a stable relationship and/or wants to have kids someday to start in her late twenties. That really is the ideal time to have your first. That way, you can have a second child before your risks or infertility and Down syndrome increase dramatically. And you won’t feel so rushed.
I’m so thankful that we didn’t have any problem conceiving, but there was no good reason for me to not have done this 3 or 5 years earlier. I’d prefer to not be nearing senior citizen status when my child is graduating from high school.
So, I’m just advising all women out there who think they can wait indefinitely….there really is no easy way to get around the biology.
August 4th, 2007 at 3:57 pm
Everyone has their own source of energy, limits and wants in life. Some people have more resources than others - and that’s life. No one has complained about these celebrities spending $$$ on big houses and expensive cars - and yet so many complain about how much Alexis is spending on fertility. Why is that?
A friend of mine (who is much wealthier than me) decided against fertility treatment. His point of view is that he’d rather spend it on a Porche than a 25% chance of he and his wife getting pregnant. We chose the other route - and have a son instead of a Porche (not that we would ever buy a Porche)…it’s an individual choice. I can’t think of many better ways to spend money than in pursuit of a child and becoming a parent.
And as for adoption - it’s not “just” adopting! It’s another emotional roller coaster. I could not think of adoption while going through fertility treatment - I only had the emotional ability to concentrate on one. We want those that go through with adoption to be mentally and emotionally there. And only can the individual know when that point is if they even get there.
Good luck to Alexis - usually perseverance wins in the end. It just might take a different form than expected.
August 4th, 2007 at 6:37 pm
I admire her frankness, but honestly, I think you’d have to be living under a rock not to realize that fertility for women starts dropping at 30 and drops as you move through your 30s…and that it drastically drops off after 40.
I feel for her and for her situation, but truly, I feel like you simply can’t blame Hollywood. Ever since my mid 20s, my GYN has spoken to me about my future plans and given my information about fertility. Most doctors do.
I venture to guess Alexis simply didn’t want to hear the hard truth? That sounds harsher than I mean it to sound. But I think some women simply have selective hearing when it comes to listening to that kind of information.
I wish Alexis the best of luck. Perhaps she will consider adoption, but like others have said, that has to be her choice. Better she not adopt a child than do it and not feel fully comfortable with that choice. (My husband is adopted, and I totally support adoption, but I agree, it’s not for everyone.)
August 4th, 2007 at 7:02 pm
Thank you for those who understood what I was getting at. As a child who was also adopted by my Step-Dad, I know what it feels like to be ADOPTED! And to clarify, OF COURSE I care about the children who need homes, (did I say I didn’t care?!) but my husband and I chose not to adopt and thankfully we didn’t have to think about it as we have two BIOLOGICAL children. It wasn’t the right choice FOR US! We wanted biological children. If I was single, I would adopt in a heartbeat! I apologize for not clearly stating my intentions. And I too, feel that Alexis was so open and honest about her ART and struggles that it disgusts me that it’s been torn apart. My point was that we should stop analyzing and let it be.
August 4th, 2007 at 8:21 pm
Hey Everyone,
I commend Alexis on her choice. She has the right to choose to become a parent whatever way she can achieve it.
I think the people connected with adoption are taking issue with some of the comments about people not wanting to adopt as if the biological choice is superior to the adoptive choice. Plus we definitely have verbiage that is respectful and verbiage that is not respective (”own child” being very disrespectful in our minds)
Some of us have chosen to build our families via adoption and personally I am very proud to be the mother of a beautiful daughter born in China. She is the superior choice in my mind…but then again, that’s my right. And people are correct — it was a long, hard stressful expensive process…and completely worth every single amount of effort.
If you choose a Porsche over a child, biological over adoptive, puppy over kitty, that’s your choice too. Just be mindful of someone else’s choice before you pronounce yours superior.
p.s. yes, some adoptees have issues upon learning about how they came into their families. Luckily for our family, we are well prepared and continue to educate ourselves on adoption issues. What was the norm for parenting the adopted child 10-30 years ago is now completely changed.
August 4th, 2007 at 8:34 pm
Oh my, I never realised what a struggle this whole ART is. I really wish her well. This has really scared me as a woman who feels strongly that I would want at some point to have a flesh of my flesh blood of my blood child (no disrespect to those who want/have to adopt). I thank her for her honesty particularly her advise about freezing eggs or embryos as I am a single woman in her 20s this is something I will be looking into. I wouldn’t want to be one of the statistics in the future. I think the problem is although it’s public knowledge how difficult it is to conceive later in life you just can’t imagine it happening to you until you are in the situation.
August 6th, 2007 at 9:18 am
Kate, I sssoooooo agree with you!
My husband and I have struggled with infertility for the past three years and before I knew how hard it would be for us to have a biological child, we talked about adopting our second or third child to complete our family. But now, our focus has shifted and desperately want to be pregnant and give birth, even if it’s the hardest thing we’ve ever done. Will we adopt in the future? Maybe. But wanting a family and wanting to experience pregnancy and childbirth are two different things and no one has the right to judge because no one knows the pain and heartache infertility causes.
August 6th, 2007 at 10:59 pm
I am so amazed at how this amazing article about a woman’s infertility struggles turned into a war of adoption vs. biological.
JoAnn, I don’t recall anyone at any point saying either choice is superior or inferior and I don’t recall that this article was even about adoption in the first place.
So many of these posts have been incredibly and unnecessarily judge-mental and thoughtless. Obviously there are a lot of people who are channeling their emotions whether they are angry or sad or insecure or whatever else by reading between the lines and picking apart a woman’s very personal experience by creating arguments where they didn’t exist.
That’s not to say that what everyone is feeling isn’t valid it’s just that this article wasn’t about adoption. period.
I don’t think anyone who spoke of having their “own” child meant to hurt anyone. If someone is sensitive to certain words, make sure you clarify what that person meant before you insult them for expressing their feelings.
Isn’t it hard enough as a woman to deal with hormones, emotions, and the demands of today whether it’s choosing to have a biological child, using a donor egg, adopting, or not having a child at all.
We should be supporting each other not fighting. Going through each of these situations is hard enough as it is, we don’t need to labeled or made to feel bad for the choices we make.
Families, whatever way you have them are beautiful. Enjoy the blessings you are given and wish the same upon others.
Until you are in the same position you cannot know what it is to not be able to have a biological child, at any age. When you are in the midst of it, it is close to impossible to think of anything else especially if you know there is nothing medically wrong with your reproductive system. There is something that clicks in your head that says, this has got to work, why isn’t it working, there’s no medical reason why it shouldn’t, and you keep going until you can’t, literally, whether by finances, health, or emotions. And until you come to terms with the fact that it’s not working it’s too emotionally hard to move on to the next option.
A person needs to grieve the biological child they wanted so desperately but couldn’t have before they can rejoice in the wonder of giving a loving home to a child who otherwise might never have known one.
This article is about that struggle of infertility. Not about adoption.
Not about blaming it on Hollywood (she just wants celebs to be more honest in how they achieved their families). And not about not taking responsibility for waiting too long (she clearly explained why it didn’t happen earlier).
There are people out there who didn’t wait too long and still can’t conceive or have one child and can’t conceive a second. Everyone has their own struggle. This is obviously a very personal and emotionally intense subject for each poster.
Alexis opened her heart and shared her struggle, not to be judged but to share her experience with the hope that she could help someone else avoid what she’s going through and let others know that they are not alone in what they are experiencing.
How about we all think about what we can do to help each other and start by giving each other a break?
August 7th, 2007 at 6:08 pm
I agree that Alexis should consider adoption. I have 2 kids - one bio & one adopted, and love is love.
August 8th, 2007 at 5:53 am
having been through the exact same experience and thought processes as a single mother by choice I really admire this women and feel for her situation.
I was lucky enough to conceive my now 22mth old son, Luca, on my second round of IVF at the age of 40.
I urge single women to consider their options as early as possible and to have a ‘back up’ plan in case relationships don’t go the way they hope.
Good luck to all. Motherhood is the most wild experience ever..!
August 8th, 2007 at 9:27 am
Thank you for your openness about fretility after 40
I’m 40 as well and i went to the same or even worst with no positive outcome. Now, I’m looking at adoption and I’am going to try with one of the best doctor in the world. Please if u want I can talk to u about this doctor. U have my email, u never know.
Mel
August 8th, 2007 at 5:42 pm
I applaud Alexis for being open, honest and telling it like it really is.
* I don’t agree that most Hollywood Women over 40 who conceive do so by using donor eggs. *
I went through all kinds of infertility treatments including 3 IVF cycles (you have to wait a month between cycles) before I became preg with my first biological and very healthy child at age 41 (gave birth when I was 42). I am now a very young 44 and I am pregnant again after going through a few more rounds of IVF. Both pregnancies are from my own eggs (as well as my husband’s sperm) and not from donor eggs.
I didn’t marry until I was 39 so thus the reason for not trying to conceive at an earlier age.
I do have to comment that not all IVF treatments cost the amount that Alexis is paying - mine were no where close to that expensive.
Good luck to all of you who have dreams and hopes of having a child, whether biological or adopted … I hope your dreams come true!
August 13th, 2007 at 10:15 am
Natasha,
Being adopted by your stepfather is totally different than being adopted by a whole new family. I was also adopted by a stepfather (aka evil incarnate) but I would NEVER try to compare that to people who were adopted at birth or as child. Of course there are questions that can be asked (Why isn’t my father in my life? Where is he? Do I have any other brothers or sisters? Do I have any troubling medical problems in my history?) that are similar to a person that was given up at birth, but instead of asking those questions about only 1 person, they’re asking it about 2. Usually in our situation, your mother can shed some light about your biological father, but people that are adopted by both parents generally don’t have that go-to person to help them out.
I think it’s extremely insensitive to compare yourself to someone that was adopted by both parents and liken it to civilian women comparing their husband’s 2 week trip to Toledo to a military wife’s husband being deployed to Iraq (or other country in the Middle East.) It’s just not the same and it really shows a lack of intelligence and compassion (which is funny because most people are trying to convey compassion when they say such things) on the part of the person doing the comparison.
August 14th, 2007 at 3:26 pm
I appreciate her honesty. I had a really hard time conceiving my children when I was in my late 30’s. Mid-late 20’s, early 30’s is better because time is on your side. Funny what a difference a few years make.
August 19th, 2007 at 6:12 am
Kudos and admiration to Alxis? She is THE most shallow “celebrity” or person I think I have ever read o heard about. In her POEPLE Article, she states that “what better thing can you do in your life than put a really good person in the world who’s going to make it a better place?” Who says her baby would be better than anyone elses, and supposedly make the world a better place - especially if it turned out just like her???I pray that she doesn’t have a “kid” (as she so lovingly refers to children throughout her article)with a doner, or anyone else for that matter. Also, for a supposedly like 40+ educated ike woman, and has a really like rich mother, like, she should learn like the English language, for like one thing. My gosh, in addition, she is such an expert on inferitilty, much to the admiration and awe of the rest of us idiots that are roaming around the earth aimlessly and of little use… Give me a break. I absoutely gagged when I saw the picture of her drugs layed out neatly in front of her and her oh so serious and desperate look to give Mom Martha an innocent little baby/legacy - just what their dysfunctional family needs in addition to being the two most self centered women on earth. Alesixs’ lame comment about “I take two shots a day. Most of my friends freak out about the shots, and leave the room in tears” (oh poor them) - get some new friends that would hopefully help make you a more real and likeable person. The third and most ridiculous quote from her is “if her self injections hurt, I just move the needle. See? I don’t feel this at all.” How special for you Alexis. I “get” to do daily injections to control my MS at 51 years old, and they hurt like hell whether I move the needle or not, and do little to slow the progression of my disease, but I amm not complainging, just comparing thoughts. I was not blessed with children because of health and ensuing financial issues, and not afforded your luxury if the choice, and that is the difference between you and I and millions of other people in our nation alone - we DON’T have a choice or the luxury to be the spoiled brat that you are. Get real. Get a life that means something, because you may wake up one day and find yourself with something much more serious to worry about than your happy baby shots. And, oh since you continually mentioned money and the cost of your drugs, therapy, etc., and that you live in Tribeca (big whoop)and your mother can foot your bills, why don’t you wash your hair and splurge a little and get a pedicure? In addition to the totally fake pose of you giving your injection, one of the first things I noticed was your filthy foot towards the camera. To me, you are very unattractive physically, mentally spiritually, materially, etc. I am not a mean spirited person, but your whiny, self centered, basically uniteresting article really hit my last nerve, and pressed my mean button. Grow up.
August 21st, 2007 at 7:11 pm
I feel so sad and horrible for all those embryos. WHAT happens to the embryos that don’t pass the initial set of tests? I presume they are destroyed.
There is this line:
he says, “Eight out of 10 are not healthy” or whatever.
So, with each procedure, eight human lives are being destroyed. HOW many times has Ms. Stewart done this procedure? How many lives is she destroying just to have ONE?
As a woman struggling with infertility and looking forward to the day of having children, I cannot imagine any woman actually destroying her own children to have children.
I am AGHAST at the women above who support Ms. Stewart’s actions of destroying life.
Life is precious. Life has dignity. Life begins at conception and destroying it is not right.
August 21st, 2007 at 10:29 pm
While I completely understand her desire for a child of her own genes, I am terribly, terribly saddened at the thought of the dozens of them she is creating to die in a petri dish just so she can have the “right” one.
September 7th, 2007 at 8:57 pm
Alexis: first let me say Hello! I am 38 years old I do have a daughter to which I conceived almost 18 years ago. I always thought that I would find the right guy to marry and have a family with. I got out of a very abusive relationship after I got up the nerve I moved back to CT. and within a month I found th greatest Guy imaginable. We started trying to conceive and after a year I wen’t to a Fertility Dr. I tryed two IUI and nothing, I wen’t threw the same 3 IVF’s and still no baby. I use Insurance alot of Insurance were mandated in as of Jan. 1 07 to cover infertility. you might wan’t to look into it. I don’t know if I should try again for I heard after the thired IVF the chances of getting pregnant drop. I don’t know how true it is. I can’t tell you the pain and quilt I am going threw. I tryed packing up and leaving but, my boss stoped me. This is the hardest thing to ever go threw. I can’t beleive that all these Mothers are out there killing there children and people like us would give up our lives to have one. All I can say is this is very cruel that the ones that would make a fantastic life and love and adore there child has to struggle and go threw so much. I know that I have a daughter and I thank GOD that I did have at least one chance but, it dosen’t make this process any easier for my Husband dosen’t have any children and I so desperatly wan’t to give him one.
October 9th, 2007 at 10:06 am
OK, I need to get ahold of Alexis Stewart, i just saw her on Oprah, and for a much smaller price than what shes paying for fertility drugs, I will make love to her EVERY DAY, multiple times a day, and most likely ill enjoy it VERY MUCH, I’m a SEX MANIAC BABY, and I’m completely venereal disease free
I am 18, caucasion, 180lbs, going to community college, probably better looking than 90% of the population, dark brown hair, hazel eyes, I understand ALEXIS probably doesn’t see this, but if anyone can contact her, THIS IS MY EMAIL Cifu (at) theoutlawz.eu
the email says .eu but I reside in the US, just trying to maintain anonymity on the net!
October 9th, 2007 at 10:07 am
OK, I need to get ahold of Alexis Stewart, i just saw her on Oprah, and for a much smaller price than what shes paying for fertility drugs, I will make love to her EVERY DAY, multiple times a day, and most likely ill enjoy it VERY MUCH, I’m a SEX MANIAC BABY, and I’m completely venereal disease free
I am 18, caucasion, 180lbs, going to community college, probably better looking than 90% of the population, dark brown hair, hazel eyes, I understand ALEXIS probably doesn’t see this, but if anyone can contact her, THIS IS MY EMAIL Cifu (at) theoutlawz.eu
the email says .eu but I reside in the US, just trying to maintain anonymity on the net!
October 9th, 2007 at 9:48 pm
My husband and I are going through the same experience. I am 39. It’s very heart breaking and disappointing when you have to get up and try again. I don’t think anyone has a right to judge anyone else for their choices. I too will continue to try again and again because, I want a child of my own flesh and blood. I am not opposed to adoption, but THE FAT LADY HASN’T SUNG for me yet. I am not at the place where I am ready to give up trying. When people tell me to use an egg donor or to adopt…it is the wrong advice. The worst thing you can say to someone who is determined is this advice…especially when they are not ready to give up. It hurts! I do believe that when you really want something badly you have to keep trying. It’s just as hard to try as it is to accept your situation. I am glad that Alexis had the courage to share her story with the world. People do not understand woman “like us”. We are woman who just don’t accept NO well. I just did my 1st IVF which failed. It was my choice after 3 consecutive miscarriage. Once I felt life inside of me; the whole idea of having a baby of my own became urgent. I think its wonderful for woman who can adopt a baby. Maybe one day I will also adopt a baby too but, for now this is where I am and what I want. Sometimes in life we just need to give eachother encouragement and faith to follow our own gut feelings, follow our own dreams. That is something each person should learn to respect. Also, Alexis I BELIEVE IT WILL HAPPEN FOR YOU!!!! So don’t give up…
Also ladies I was pregnant naturally 1 time, 2nd time through IUI and 3rd with iui/clomid. I also was diagnoised with APS/Hughes Syndrom a blood disease that is more common then I knew. There is a simple blood test that can tell you if you have the disease. There are no real symptoms either. I want to say this test is a MUST if you are planning on getting pregnant. It can help avoid a miscarriage…I believe I would have had my first pregnancy come to term had I known about this auto immune disease earlier.
Anyway, Good Luck To Everyone…KEEP THE FAITH!!!
October 9th, 2007 at 10:17 pm
Alexis,
I just watched your story on Oprah and my heart goes out to you. In May I was blessed with a beautiful baby boy, and the thought of never being able to experience the remarkable love and bond between a mother and her child breaks my heart. I’ve recently been looking into becoming a surrogate mom. I loved being pregnant and was extremely lucky to bring a healthy baby boy into this world . If you, Alexis, decide to look into this, I would be more than honored to help make your dream of becoming a mom come true!
You’re in my thoughts and prayers,
Julie Marcus (805)444-7582
October 22nd, 2007 at 8:10 pm
All my best to Alexis and I hope that she doesn’t have to go through this process for too long. Although I have 3 biological children, I have always wanted to adopt a child as well. There are so many children who need a loving home. I would like to add that although I know that it becomes much more difficult to conceive as we get older it is still possible with out fertility drugs. I had my first daughter at 35 years old and at 38 I had a set of twins. This was completely natural, I took no drugs. My husband and I were actually quite surprised when we found out at 20 weeks that we were having twins. My mother had me at 40 years old and I have friends in their late 30’s that have all concevied naturally. I just wanted to add this comment for those who may be having some trouble and may now think it won’t happen for them. It can and does. Please don’t take any of this in a negative way, I just wanted to give women hope not to give up too early. Also, we don’t know that all of these celebrity having babies in their 40’s have used fertily drugs. As you see by my story it is not always necessary. I do feel for women who have difficulties conceiving because I can’t imagine the pain they must go through. Best wishes to Alexis and all of the other women going through the sam thing.
Lisa
December 4th, 2007 at 1:58 pm
I read a lot of the comments posted and want to share my story. I am 42 and have had two IVF cycles. The doctors told me i responded nicely to the stimulation meds. The first time they retrieved 18 eggs, 13 fertilized, and 6 were transfered. The second time they retreived 21 eggs, 18 fertilized, 6 were transfered. No one knows for sure why the transfer doesn’t stick but i am told everytime you do it your chances get better. For us, my husband had a low sperm count and finally after six years decided to seek medical help. We really just couldn’t afford it when I was in my thirties. Instead we waited until we had the money. Now I get frustrated because the doctors just don’t have any answers. The truth is, it’s a crap shoot. Good luck Alexis, I’ll be praying for you.
December 15th, 2007 at 2:06 pm
Have any of you nuts gone to school? Geez, maybe take a BIOLOGY course or something.
Women CAN and DO get pregnant in their 40’s. They have for the beginning of time. But I guess the fertility clinics don’t have a financial incentive to have people buy all their expensive fertility treatments, eh?
I’ve never read such stupidity, ignorance and hysteria in such a long time.
Google “mothers over 40″. Since all you geniuses know everything.
December 28th, 2007 at 9:04 pm
Keep trying to get pregnant Alexis! I was 44 when I got pregnant for the first and only time. I’m 48 now with a beautiful, bright 4 year old girl. To say I’m not sure how I got pregnant would sound a bit silly (lost my virginity decades ago and was married 10 years when I got pregnant). Was it planned? Nope. I didn’t have a regular period - ever. The only thing I can think that changed was on the night I got pregnant, I went to a work reunion where the people I worked with 10 years prior had all thought I would have made a great mom. At this 10th year anniversary party, after not seeing many of my colleagues for years, we drank martinis and I got lots of questions regarding if I ever did have children. Not sure if it was all that maternal projection and the great martinis for my husband and myself OR the deep breathing yoga I had been practicing - but I’m now a Mom and encourage other women who wish to have babies to have faith in their abilities to conceive and go forth. BTW - my pregnancy and birth were without issues. Really.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:16 am
I know it is 2008 but please look at my site about adoption! Thanks, Melinda
Adoption is good but there must be truth and openness
June 12th, 2008 at 7:03 am
Alex is so desperate that any less than perfect embryos are thrown out. Like the Down’s Syndrome ones. I guess she’s not so desperate after all. Just like her mother, only “perfect” will do. Why would God allow her to gestate a child? She’d only mess it up like her parents messed her up.
June 14th, 2008 at 12:32 am
I am little weary of women who complain about their impossibility to have children. Get over it. Bearing children is way overrated. What is underrated is adopting. Every woman CAN be a mother. To be a mother does not mean to have kid in your tummy. That is something a cat can do. The real mothering comes with seeing a child grow, caring for the child even though he/she does not have the color of your eyes and all the things that are yours. Loving the child for who she/he is. Stop complaining and whining and torturing yourself (and others). The truth is, you CAN be a mother really soon if you really wanted it. Specially women who have had so much as Alexis Stewart, should keep their mout shut and give back
The problme is not that women can not have kids,. The problem is that there are too many people in the world already and too many kids dieing by the minutes of hunger and neglet and war.
Sorry if I sound angry: I am just very bored with this issue which seems so dramatic and serious and it is not and sometimes I need to let it out.